The Beach, Early Sunday Morning

[moreofaponchoguy]

Last night had been a lot.

This morning had been A Whole Lot.

Cal had been through the ringer before, but nothing in Fandom had affected him this deeply, and as soon as Arden was settled and resting, he hit his breaking point. Cal made sure Kamala and her family were going to stay with Arden, and then headed down the outside stairs of the manor, because if he had to see Duke or Grimm for one more second his waning self-control might snap.

He made it to the beach and dropped to his knees at the edge of the water before finally being sick, bile rising from the stress of Arden's injuries, the vision he'd seen, and the pounding ache in his head. Once his stomach was under control again, he shifted back and closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down and meditate, but his safe mental space was darker and twisted, and the calm refused to come.

He opened his eyes and tried to slow his breathing as he grabbed for his communicator. "Cere? I know it's early, I'm sorry. I need help."

[For his friends! Cal, Cere, and Greez being on the beach is good for broadcast, but the conversation is NFB.]

Comments

[moreofaponchoguy]

Cal rolled his eyes at Greez before leaning towards BD. "Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't realize this upset you so much. Why haven't you said anything to me?"

"Because attachments are bad and I didn't want you to feel bad for being attached," BD-1 said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You do like her, right?"

"I mean... it's complicated."

[mantiscrew]

"Feelings usually are," Cere said. "Can I get a little more information on the 'married' part?"

"Wait, there was a married part?" Greez said. "I've gotta learn some of these noises."

[moreofaponchoguy]

"I can't even begin to try to explain the married thing," Cal said. "It was weird and it's not real and that's all I can give you at the moment. But the feelings... well, BD's not entirely wrong."

"I'm not at all wrong," he said with another stomp. "You know how good my eyes are, you upgraded them."

[mantiscrew]

"And if you go home, those feelings will magically disappear over time and distance," Cere said plainly. "Because that's how caring for someone works, the care just dissolves once you don't see them anymore."

[moreofaponchoguy]

"You know, being rude isn't really becoming of a Jedi," Cal replied. "We have rules. Jedi not forming attachments is one of the most important ones. I told you, I've been doing my best to take care of myself here, and that means following the rules and doing everything I'm supposed to do."

[mantiscrew]

"I have no doubt that you've done well here. Arden made sure we knew that," Cere said gently. "Never long at rest, always finding ways to help out, that's what you do." She got quiet and thoughtful for a moment, gazing out at the water. "We've talked so much about rebuilding the Order, but I don't think we've really discussed what that would entail, or what guidelines we might need to let go of."

[moreofaponchoguy]

"We can't let go of the Code, Cere. That's what makes us who we are," Cal argued.

[mantiscrew]

"Cal, do you really think a mantra makes us who we are? Some words we say to ourselves, so ingrained we barely think about them?" Cere shook her head. "Maybe it's a good thing I didn't train Padawans for long, because I'm probably not a good teacher."

[moreofaponchoguy]

"You're a great teacher, and the best mentor I could ask for," Cal insisted. "Maybe I'm just a bad student, because I don't know how to not get attached to people. I'm attached to you, and Greez, and Merrin. I've been with you all longer than I've stayed with anyone since the Order fell. If anything had happened to you while I was here, I don't know what I would have done. How is that, or any attachments I make here not dangerous?"

[mantiscrew]

Cere thought about the question for a moment and then shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know."

[moreofaponchoguy]

Cal blinked a little in surprise. "Wait, what? What do you mean you don't know?"

[mantiscrew]

"I mean, I don't know," Cere replied. "You know I was tempted by the Dark Side when we fought Vader, and I have to keep myself from doing it again, from letting myself go there for the sake of keeping our crew safe. I know exactly how dangerous caring about people can be."

[moreofaponchoguy]

"I know you do. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up this up and make you feel bad. I just--I'm afraid of how I felt today," he admitted. "I don't like how easy it was for me to get overwhelmed with anger, and I don't know what to do if it happens again and you're not here."

[mantiscrew]

"Well, then it sounds like you've got some work to do," Cere said. "On controlling your anger and on trusting yourself. You know how you felt, and you can work on not letting yourself go there again. Running away means avoiding the lesson altogether."

[moreofaponchoguy]

Logic really was his worst nightmare, there was no getting around it.

"Even if I control my anger, I don't know how to control how much I care about people." Especially certain people, but that was probably obvious.

[mantiscrew]

"I don't know how to control that either, but I don't know if I should try to learn so I can teach you," she said. "I don't know if our galaxy is worth saving if there aren't people in it that we care about saving it for."

[moreofaponchoguy]

Well, Cal really couldn't argue with that, now could he? He nodded quietly and gave Cere a soft smile. "So, you're okay if I stay here for a little longer?"

[mantiscrew]

"We're okay with whatever you decide," Cere said. "We can discuss it as a crew."

"Can we discuss it over breakfast?" Greez asked. "This has been a really touching conversation and all, but my stomach is gonna start only caring about food soon."

[moreofaponchoguy]

BD-1 poked at Greez for ruining the moment, but Cal laughed and stood up. "Yeah, I could probably use some coffee, and a shower. Maybe in the opposite order." Dragging sand into the diner would probably get him on a long-term naughty list.

Looking to Cere, Cal gave her a fond smile. "Thank you. I still have a lot to figure out but... thank you."

[mantiscrew]

"It's always easier to figure things out over coffee," Cere pointed out. If she had any lingering concerns about letting Cal stay... well, only time would tell if it was really a good idea.