The Beach, Early Sunday Morning

[moreofaponchoguy]

Last night had been a lot.

This morning had been A Whole Lot.

Cal had been through the ringer before, but nothing in Fandom had affected him this deeply, and as soon as Arden was settled and resting, he hit his breaking point. Cal made sure Kamala and her family were going to stay with Arden, and then headed down the outside stairs of the manor, because if he had to see Duke or Grimm for one more second his waning self-control might snap.

He made it to the beach and dropped to his knees at the edge of the water before finally being sick, bile rising from the stress of Arden's injuries, the vision he'd seen, and the pounding ache in his head. Once his stomach was under control again, he shifted back and closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down and meditate, but his safe mental space was darker and twisted, and the calm refused to come.

He opened his eyes and tried to slow his breathing as he grabbed for his communicator. "Cere? I know it's early, I'm sorry. I need help."

[For his friends! Cal, Cere, and Greez being on the beach is good for broadcast, but the conversation is NFB.]

Comments

[moreofaponchoguy]

Cal siiiighed deeply. "Yes, but--"

[mantiscrew]

"Hold your but," Cere said, putting her hand up in his face. "If they can split their time between our world and here, why can't you? And do not even think about saying it's because you're special, because I will throw you right back in that water."

[moreofaponchoguy]

Excuse you, Cere, he was a very special boy and you were rude to deny him of that. "If I'm here, I'm going to worry about all of you. If I'm home, I'm going to worry about everyone here." He sank a little in the sand, the last of his anger fading to what felt like childish annoyance. "Even after all these months, I don't know which one to pick."

[mantiscrew]

"That's the whole point! You're not picking, you're just expanding your travels," Greez said. "You stay here for a while, you take some classes, you sort some junk, and when we need you at home, you come back to us until things are sorted out again. It might not be perfect, but it's better than sticking with one or the other, right?"

"Unless," Cere said slowly, "you have some reservations about staying here. Maybe reservations involving the people here?"

[moreofaponchoguy]

99% of the time, having Cere as an ally was amazing, but the 1% of the time she saw right through him was always a little unpleasant. "No, everything here has been great. Really, really great."

[mantiscrew]

"Oh? Ooooh," Greez said, lighting up. "Really, really great, huh? So this is about the girl."

[moreofaponchoguy]

"No, this has nothing to do with Arden," Cal said, probably a little too quickly. "I mean, it does have to do with her right now, because she's still really sick from everything that happened, and I don't know how long she's going to need to recover, and just disappearing while she's still sick feels like a really cruel move. But there's nothing going on between us."

[moreofaponchoguy]

Cal wasn't the only one who'd been having an awful night. Anyone who said droids didn't have feelings had never met BD-1. He'd had to watch Arden be sick, and then watch Cal be stressed and angry, and there was nothing he could do about any of it. So often, for so much of his life, the people around him dealt with terrible things and there was nothing he could do. But this... no, Cal wasn't the only one who'd reached his breaking point on this beach, because BD-1 couldn't handle any more lies.

"Are you serious?!" he yelled. "What do you mean?! Arden is crazy about you! You're crazy about her! You got married! You got future married! You could be happy but you won't let yourself be! And now you're going to run home to hide! He stamped his feet on the ground in frustration. "Stop lying! If you're afraid, just say it! But stop lying and saying you don't care about her!"

[mantiscrew]

There was an awkward silence for a moment before Greez let out a low whistle. "Wow, I don't need to speak droid to know he's got a point."

[moreofaponchoguy]

Cal rolled his eyes at Greez before leaning towards BD. "Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't realize this upset you so much. Why haven't you said anything to me?"

"Because attachments are bad and I didn't want you to feel bad for being attached," BD-1 said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You do like her, right?"

"I mean... it's complicated."

[mantiscrew]

"Feelings usually are," Cere said. "Can I get a little more information on the 'married' part?"

"Wait, there was a married part?" Greez said. "I've gotta learn some of these noises."

[moreofaponchoguy]

"I can't even begin to try to explain the married thing," Cal said. "It was weird and it's not real and that's all I can give you at the moment. But the feelings... well, BD's not entirely wrong."

"I'm not at all wrong," he said with another stomp. "You know how good my eyes are, you upgraded them."

[mantiscrew]

"And if you go home, those feelings will magically disappear over time and distance," Cere said plainly. "Because that's how caring for someone works, the care just dissolves once you don't see them anymore."

[moreofaponchoguy]

"You know, being rude isn't really becoming of a Jedi," Cal replied. "We have rules. Jedi not forming attachments is one of the most important ones. I told you, I've been doing my best to take care of myself here, and that means following the rules and doing everything I'm supposed to do."

[mantiscrew]

"I have no doubt that you've done well here. Arden made sure we knew that," Cere said gently. "Never long at rest, always finding ways to help out, that's what you do." She got quiet and thoughtful for a moment, gazing out at the water. "We've talked so much about rebuilding the Order, but I don't think we've really discussed what that would entail, or what guidelines we might need to let go of."

[moreofaponchoguy]

"We can't let go of the Code, Cere. That's what makes us who we are," Cal argued.

[mantiscrew]

"Cal, do you really think a mantra makes us who we are? Some words we say to ourselves, so ingrained we barely think about them?" Cere shook her head. "Maybe it's a good thing I didn't train Padawans for long, because I'm probably not a good teacher."

[moreofaponchoguy]

"You're a great teacher, and the best mentor I could ask for," Cal insisted. "Maybe I'm just a bad student, because I don't know how to not get attached to people. I'm attached to you, and Greez, and Merrin. I've been with you all longer than I've stayed with anyone since the Order fell. If anything had happened to you while I was here, I don't know what I would have done. How is that, or any attachments I make here not dangerous?"

[mantiscrew]

Cere thought about the question for a moment and then shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know."

[moreofaponchoguy]

Cal blinked a little in surprise. "Wait, what? What do you mean you don't know?"

[mantiscrew]

"I mean, I don't know," Cere replied. "You know I was tempted by the Dark Side when we fought Vader, and I have to keep myself from doing it again, from letting myself go there for the sake of keeping our crew safe. I know exactly how dangerous caring about people can be."

[moreofaponchoguy]

"I know you do. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up this up and make you feel bad. I just--I'm afraid of how I felt today," he admitted. "I don't like how easy it was for me to get overwhelmed with anger, and I don't know what to do if it happens again and you're not here."

[mantiscrew]

"Well, then it sounds like you've got some work to do," Cere said. "On controlling your anger and on trusting yourself. You know how you felt, and you can work on not letting yourself go there again. Running away means avoiding the lesson altogether."

[moreofaponchoguy]

Logic really was his worst nightmare, there was no getting around it.

"Even if I control my anger, I don't know how to control how much I care about people." Especially certain people, but that was probably obvious.

[mantiscrew]

"I don't know how to control that either, but I don't know if I should try to learn so I can teach you," she said. "I don't know if our galaxy is worth saving if there aren't people in it that we care about saving it for."